Shame on Mommy

Today I was searching and searching and searching for a pair of sneakers for the chiklits for the coming months. And at first I was going to get New Balance and then as I was roaming around on Zappos I fell upon Nike's and those quickly lead me to Puma's and before I knew it I was stressing out b/c I wanted a good light weight sneaker that would go with all outfits (ie. white sneaks) and I didn't want them to both have the same exact sneak if I could help it. And I found there was an abundance of white and pink sneakers but I was having a hard time finding a white and purple sneak. So I wasted all of naptime with this search. I continued searching a bit more tonight b/c once I decided I was going to get them Nike's I was determined to find a white and purple pair even if that meant buying from two diff. websites. And of course I was trying to find them at the cheapest I could possible get them - none of which were under $40; which to me is a steep price to pay when V's feet have already grown an inch and a half from the time she turned 1 to now (6 months!!)

I'm not quite sure when I finally came to my senses and started thinking of other stores like Payless, and then Target popped into my head. So I perused over to their site and within 2 min. I found sneakers for the girls. The same sneaker that came in both white/pink and white/purple - exactly what I was searching for all afternoon! And with my Target card I saved $2.50 and got free shipping!! Two pairs of sneakers for $47 vs. $80! Sounds good to me.

And after the fact all I could think was "what the hell came over me?!" That is so NOT like me to immediately think of and go right to the top name brands. 95% of the chiklits clothes are consignment or hand-me-downs. I could care less about labels, for myself and esp. for them. I had to put myself in check. It's SO easy to get wrapped up in the non-sense. It's a good thing I have twin girls b/c I think very easily I could have gotten out of control with things esp. shoes, coats, and other accessories! Shoes are the only thing I won't purchase used for them but that doesn't mean they need the $40 pair of mini Nike's (that are super adorable) that they are going to grow out of in 3 months! At the rate V's feet are growing she'll be sharing my shoes sooner than I know it!

But most of all I was so disappointed in myself. What kind of example was I setting for my girls?? If I set the precedent that high this early I'll have to get a part time job just to afford all the "things" my girls are going to think they need.

I was even more beside myself b/c this weekend I had a big eye opener when I saw my sister's SIL's and learned about this absurd company called Justice and learned that at 6 years old kids know the different from the waaaay to expensive Justice vs. any other store as well as 2 pairs of sneakers that are exactly the same except one has a label written on it's velcro strap and the other does not. Price difference: $13 vs $60!! The last thing I want is for my 'lil chik's to start thinking and seeing things that way. I'm sure it's inevitable that at some point they will but as with everything else in life I want to keep them sheltered for as long as I can.

I Vow

"I did the best I could" seems to be the latest phrase. I've heard in multiple times from family members this year, I seem to be reading it on FB status updates and even in blogs now. The worse is when it's followed by "I'm sorry if that was not good enough for you."

I vow, here, today on Friday, the sixteenth of March, two thousand twelve that I will NEVER say that to my Chiklits!! It is such a cop out. What I hear when that comes out of someones mouth is "I'm so selfish, I always put my needs first" or "I am a huge f**k up". It's really pathetic and I suppose even sad as to what "the best" is for some people. That's fine if they feel that's their best - everyone is allowed their own opinion. There is just a better way of saying such a thing like, "I did all I knew to do at the time" or "I didn't know any better".

Don't give me some bull shit line about "doing the best you could". And that is why I will not feed that same line to my girls. I know there is no manual on child rearing and we all do what we feel is right only later on in life to be told by said children that we sucked. (Well hopefully my girls won't think that.) But when and if they do call me out on my faults I will NEVER tell them "I did the best I could" - there is always better.

Undercare?? Overcare?? Smothering....?!

I just read an article on letting your child "cry it out" - lucky for us we got 2 [that's right not 1 but 2] awesome sleepers! Did I just jinx myself?!

But anywho... research done on rats shows low nurturing rat-mommas cause their rat-babies to be anxious towards new situations for the rest of their life. There are also issues that high nurturing rat-mommas cause, which they don't talk about in this article. So what is the right balance?!? Hopefully I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing as a baby-momma. God, the last thing I want is to have any blame in ruining any part of my children's lives.

But that was not what caught my attention most. What was most interesting to me is that a sign of undercare is poor memory. Apparently cortisol released during distress harms hippocampus development. This is earth shattering for me....I don't have early onset Alzheimer's that keeps me from recalling most past memories; just undercare - phewwww!

The article went on about lack of nurturing and the prevalence of parents who put their own needs in front of their kids....So relate-able! Seriously I could go on and on about my F'ed up childhood that just continues to follow me into my adulthood because like I've said in my previous posts you can't pick your family, just your friends. But who wants to re-live that?! As it is I'm reminded constantly how I was the un-wanted child.

And that is why my kids are going to grow up with different issues from this over nurturing baby-momma!

The incredibly weird thing is that these days [post-baby] when my friends complain about how annoying their moms are being I can relate to the "moms" and I try to explain to my friends that when they have children of their own they will have the same exact "ah-ha" moments. WHAT have I become?! A mom I suppose....and I wouldn't give up a single minute of it! (Well maybe just one every now and again -- even the most angelic babies have a streak of the devil in them!)

Ho-Hum

I know it's been ages since I've documented anything, after getting all weird about documenting my pregnancy for the blog world I thought I'd be back in full force with many posts about our new and exciting life with twins but I've become a mother hen and I'm not so sure how keen I am on posting lots of things about my girls including pictures for anyone in the world to see (I mean FB is bad enough even being on super-duper privacy settings!) Before we know it V & H will be publishing their own lives online and while that already gives me anxiety I figure I at least have some time before this will become a reality! Besides the minor fact that I just don't have the feakin' time! I have my hands in waaaaayyy too many things and sadly the blog has taken a far, far left back burner....

But I do miss writing. Many days I feel as though my brain has gone to mush so today I had some time (while waiting for Dave to get home from work so I can get to work myself) and as I'm sitting here crocheting a Christmas present on this sucky-ass day in CT I just started pondering whether there was some other state or country I'd be happier living in...

Our yard has been soggy for weeeeekkkkkkksss...this year I'd even say our yard was too wet to let the dogs out to play [without needing baths before coming back into the house] more than half of the year! It's horrrrrible!

And as I've been knitting and crocheting half of my Christmas presents I could totally picture myself legs up on an ottoman in front of a wood burning stove in a little cottage on the coast of Maine. But winters there are a bit much for me! Florida is too humid. California is going to fall off the United States any day. Oregon has always been a dream of mine. Internationally I'd have to say I'd be pretty happy living in Moorea. But then there's the whole issue of leaving behind my sister and best friends. And my ties to them are very strong. So I stay in a state that doesn't thrill me because my special people (who I can't take with me if we move) fill the void with tremendous amounts of happiness and I think part of my soul would die if most of them weren't within a 30 min. drive.

It's time to face the facts, I'm getting old

I used to dye my hair all the time, to change the color, just for fun. Now I have to dye my hair every few months to keep my hair the color it is. Is it just me or do those pesky [color unnamed] hairs seem to multiply overnight?

I first noticed this change when I was turning 30 (the year I became hyper aware of age) and I had all those horrible feelings and felt bad for myself about "getting old" but my BFF put it in perspective for me [thank god for her] and after a couple months I came to terms with this new up-keeping.

But now I'm starting to see those fine lines (aka: wrinkles) - when the hell did they arrive??! (And btw that little quote about wrinkles merely indicating where smiles have been; it doesn't make me feel any better! And how messed up is that - punishment for smiling??!) So instead of locking myself in a closet and crying (I am almost 31 after all and it wasn't many years ago I believed 30 to be ancient!) I went to The Body Shop and got myself a new skin regimen.

And I have to admit I took offense when the women that work there wanted to help me find something suitable to my skin type! It's a hard thing for me to admit out loud to a complete stranger that I'm looking for anti-aging creams! So my pride took the better of me and I (with the help of my sister) found exactly what I was looking for on my own. Lets just hope it does what is says and I can be strict enough to follow the instructions twice a day, every day.

I can hardly wait to see what's next?!? Varicose veins?? At least my boobs aren't big enough to sag.